Flat Stanley!

My stepkids are participating in a project at school called Flat Stanley. If you haven't heard about it before, you can read about it here. It is very cool.

My stepdaughter sent her flat doppelganger to my aunt Betty... who is the coolest. aunt. ever. Betty sent a letter to my stepdaughter from the road, from the flat traveler. Did I mention she is the coolest.aunt.ever.?? I will post pictures as soon as they come our way... and keep you updated on the escapades of the flat traveler.

My first adventure has been to travel to the capital of South Dakota, Pierre. I helped set up for a public meeting about the Missouri River. People at the meeting talked about how they would like the river to be in the future.

The public meeting was held at the Casey Tibbs Rodeo center, where I saw displays about rodeo, including lady trick riders, who do things like standing up on a running horse. I also got to sit in a real saddle in a pink cowboy hat. I thought you’d like that.

We also went to the capital building here in Pierre. We are going to try to do more outside, but it’s really, really windy here, and as you know, that’s not the best thing for me.

I have pictures to send you. We may see some interesting things on the drive home. I hope so! Nine hours is a long time in a car.

I’ll send you notes from time to time about my adventures. I hope that school is going well.

Garden!

Some pictures of our garden this year... it went a little crazy. I think a body might be buried under there...

Love!

One of my favorite classes in college was my honor's philosophy class on Kierkegaard. We read most of his body of work, there were only five people in the class, and I worked my butt off.

The professor was great... he started the class by telling us that we should try to like what we are reading. Don't put our hackles up immediately, but assume the author has something. I think these comments might be born out of years of teaching twenty year-olds who thought they knew more than time-tested philosophers. I really took the advice to heart though... to this day I try to like things before I dislike them. I think it is important to keep my awareness of coolness in perspective - in that I am not cool at all.

In that spirit, I am going to admit to loving some things that aren't "cool", and some that are... all related to upcoming movies...

1. Michael Jackson. OY!! The snide comments people make about this man. I don't disagree that he was very weird. But I loved him. He was the music of my early years. In 1984 I was in the audience (with 45,000 other people) at the start of the Victory Tour at Arrowhead Stadium. I went with my friend Alynda and her father, our congressman. It was so exciting I could barely breathe. I get shivers thinking about it. He was magic. He was like nothing anybody had ever seen before. I like Michael Jackson. And I don't care who knows it. There is going to be some sort of special Michael Jackson concert film showing in theatres soon. And I am going to go to it. He was one of the first things I liked as a tween... and he ain't no Jonas brother, for sure.

And one more thing, my mama taught me that it isn't cool to make fun of people who are mentally or physically ill...and I believe after his early success he had touches of both.

2. Fame! I went to the remake all by my lonesome last night. Gawd, I miss the 70s. I went with high hopes because I saw an interview with one of the actresses that the remake of Fame was "gritty". whatevs. It was fine... much better than High School Musical, I'm sure... although I never really saw that, so I cannot judge. But it wasn't the original. I saw Fame in the theatre with my parents. My parents didn't believe in too much censoring, because they are (were?) hippies, and I think I had a richer life because of it. I think the sacchrinization of childhood is not a good thing... and the world is missing the hippie sensibility. I sing the body electric, damnit. The new Fame is fine... I teared up at times... but it ain't got that thing. I think the next day off I have I am going to rent Fame and A Chorus Line.

3. Matt frickin' Damon. YUMMY! DH and I are going to The Informant tonight. CAN'T FRICKIN' WAIT!

4. Sandra Bullock. Love, love, love her. Not so much that I have been tricked into going to some of the movies she has made recently, but I have been very tempted. CAN'T FRICKIN' WAIT for The Blind Side... which doesn't open until 11/20. Boo. I saw the preview last night, and cried so much one of my contacts fell out.

5. Where the Wild Things Are. Like many people, Where the Wild Things Are was one of my favorite books as a child (it is actually number 3, after The Little Princess and The Giving Tree). And the movie version of this book looks surreally wonderful, just like the book. Luckily the release of this movie is just a couple weeks away. YAY! Even though the film looks very true to the spirit of the art, and Spike Jonze isn't a sell-out by any stretch of the imagination, I hope Warner Bros. makes lots of cross-marketing stuffed creatures for me to buy.

Fitting In!

I really love the series Mad Men. I resist watching it because it isn't exactly an "upper". Some of the characters are real jerks. But I keep watching it because it gives me real insight into the sexism my mom and her peers had to face as they started their working lives. And how lucky I am that I live and work in this decade. If I ever get down on how hard working is, I need only to look at a few episodes of that show to know how good I have it. For the most part I am judged on the quality of my work. And if people are judging me on anything else, they have to keep it to themselves, which is fine by me.

One character that I particularly like is Peggy. She and I don't have much in common (she is Catholic, petite, and a creative genius), but I am relating to her character more and more this season. This season has shown Peggy trying to become a Manhattan girl - hard-drinking, savvy, and fun. And it seems to chafe against her "true" self. Like Peggy, I don't think I have a "party" setting.

Drinking to any extent makes me tired and itchy - literally my face and arms itch badly. And I don't have the ability to let go without liquor like some people. And it has meant I have missed out on a heartbreaking amount of experiences in my life. I can't turn my brain off. I can't transform myself. I can't "let loose". And it blows. When things really start getting fun for other people, they become miserable for me and I just want to go home and read.

I have had some brief flashes of party fun in my life... but they are just that - flashes. Memories I wouldn't trade for anything - a pub crawl, my wedding night, a holiday party, but for the most part I am out for the count. I have many more memories of being told to smile, lighten up, get in the spirit, let loose. I don't intend to be a downer, just in a room of uppers, I stick out. Grrrr.

And so I have had some recent experiences where I have not fit in. I saw some old high school friends recently and I realized they all had a lifelong bond because of shared partying. And that I may have existed in the same universe as them, but I never fit in. I never got really close to anybody in high school because I didn't do the partying. Grrrr. It just sucks. And that trend moved into my college years where there was the same pattern. I tried harder, but with the same poor results. And now I don't try unless I really, really have to.

I spent most of my young adulthood anxious to grow up and shed the obligations of youth. To be allowed to set my own schedule and social agenda and to be a pariah in the privacy of my own existence seemed like freedom. And it still does. To be clear, I am not a stick in the mud, party pooper, bore. I literally just *can't*. I try, but I can't figure out the formula.

And to where I am going with this... recently DH and I celebrated the 4-year anniversary of our first date. As I sat across the table with him as we shared our first hummus and conversation together, I knew it was him. I knew I fit with him... that he had an even harder time turning off his brain than I do, that he would provide interesting (sober) conversation for innumerable years, that he would appreciate my foibles, not goad me to overcome them. What a freakin' gift that is.

Recently I had some tears over a party we went to where I didn't fit in, where I felt 15 and hopeless again, watching people form new friendships while I was struggling to even get in the conversation. But the difference between now and 15 is that I do fit in. With at least one person. And that he will always sit next to me at a party. And that we get to fit together for the rest of our lives. How cool is that?

Housekeeping!

I am here again... and a here to stay. I had dreams of creating a blog that was very personalized and could grace the pages of Artful blogger, perhaps.... but in the spirit of simplifying my life, I have scrapped that plan.

Blogger let's me write when I am not at home... and it may be pretty cookie-cutter, but at least I am writing. And that is what I want to do.

Requirements!

This is going to be a very long, very metaphor-heavy entry. You have been warned.

There are a very few people in this world who can truly can be considered Renaissance people - people who not only dabble, but exceed at lots of things. My friend AB comes to mind. She is a skilled musician, knitter, cook, friend, ecowarrior. She serves on boards and makes handmade gifts for people’s birthdays. Her home is absolutely lovely and unique. And she is such a kind person that you can’t help but adore her despite her propensity for hard-core overachievement.

That is not me. I dabble. Except for my job (11 years last Monday), I don’t really stick with anything to excel at at. Some of the things that I want to be an expert at are: vegan cooking and baking, gardening, knitting, crocheting, quilting and craft sewing, blogging and writing, philosophy of science, drumming, jewelry-making, home decorating, indie music appreciation, world politics, indie film appreciation, running, yoga, hiking, literature, modern art appreciation. It is a big list. Too big of a list. Especially when you think about all of the subcategories of some of those things - like gardening or jewelry-making.

I need to find focus.

There is this Middle Eastern restaurant that DH and I go to occasionally. I am not going to share the name because I do not want to besmirch them. They have the best hummus I have ever had. EVER. It is so good. So, so good. And that decree from me is something, since I have eaten A LOT of different hummuses around Kansas City. A LOT. It is just.... sublime. So they have the hummus thing down, and I think all of there food in general is really good. That should be their focus. But it isn’t. They have open mic nights with no attendance, something called “Latino” night, and fried chicken. It detracts from the thing they do well, which is Middle Eastern food.

I want to find my hummus. My few things that I excel at and pursue for a lifetime. So that when I am 50, my deft skill and knowledge in an area is mind-boggling. It is against my nature, I get bored easily, distracted easily, drawn to the shiny. But at the end of the day that leaves me with a whole lot of little. Does that make sense? I hope so.

So I am embarking on a redesign of my system. Any system (think IPod or your favorite website) is better if it has simple goals and clean design. I write requirements for existing systems all day (except for when I am not. ;)), so I am going to write some requirements for myself - I will address the system limitations, the basic requirements, and the ultimate vision for my system, me. Ahh, self-indulgence and preoccupation... come to me.

Note that these requirements do not include personal relationship or financial requirements except where necessary. And these are of course crap requirements (poorly written, many untestable), but this is a thought exercise.

System Limitations:

• Short
• Prone to obesity
• Does not function well without sleep
• Distracted easily
• Requires more than average amount of “alone” time due to being an only child
• Very near-sighted
• Often not careful or thoughtful when performing a task
• Blotchy skin that has both wrinkles and pimples
• Selfish

System Capabilities/Characteristics:

• Can run a mile
• Strong (for a woman)
• Intelligent
• Creative
• Good sense of humor (or at least perception of good sense of humor)
• Pretty-enough face
• Nice hair
• Empathetic to people and animals
• Good listener
• Makes friends easily
• Supportive family and sweet puppy

Hardware Requirements:

• Run 5 miles in an hour, 5 times a week.
• Maintain full-time professional job writing software requirements.
• Complete weekly strength training class and feel invigorated afterwards.
• Consume calories to maintain weight of xxx.
• Daily grooming.
• Simple, comfortable, easy-to-maintain wardrobe with a modicum of style.
• Haircut and highlight every two months.
• Pedicure every two weeks.
• Organized home to support life.

Software Requirements:

• Maintain full-time professional job writing software requirements with favorable performance reviews.
• Be able to prepare 10 simple, vegan meals for family.
• Be able to prepare 5 delicious vegan cookie recipes.
• Attend book club regularly.
• Attend philosophy of science studies two times a month.
• Become an expert rose gardener with a front and back garden impressive enough that people stop and comment on its beauty.
• Read 26 books/year.
• Weekly blog entries.

That’s it... those are the requirements. Looking at those, I already meet most of them, but there is some focus... some enhancements and defect corrections I need to focus on.

The goal is that the system “Ginger” will be known for writing (blogs), reading, running, and roses. Focus will be good. And it will be work.

Back!

It has been a very, very, very long time since I have blogged. Too long. Stella lost her groove, as it were. Not that I really had a groove...

I am not sure where I went, but the past few weeks have been tough. And I can’t think exactly why. I just haven’t been myself. A brief timeline...

1. Kitchen island - it sounds silly, but one of the highlights of my year. I really do love my kitchen island. More on that in another post soon, I soooo promise.
2. Crazy getting ready for a family party involving lots of cleaning and gardening and stuff.
3. Let down from lack of focus of party preparation.
4. Vegan bake sale. (My friend and I raised $500!!) The bake sale was great, but I spent a lot of time making cookies that didn’t go so well because of the heat. I ended up with a great product, but it was a circuitous route there.
5. Let down from lack of focus of vegan bake sale.
6. After performing a diatribe to DH and some friends about how I am “just not a video game person” have a stray thought about how great Sims 3 would be on my new computer.
7. Buy Sims 3.
8. Lots and lots of stress from work.
9. Money stress.
10. Eat.
11. Don’t exercise.
12. Become disapointed in myself for eating and not exercising.
13. Hours spent playing Sims 3 instead of living my life.
14. More weight gain.
15. Despair

A few days ago I was in the midst of despair. I was waking up two or three times a night from a nightmare that I was always going to be fat and we were always going to have to worry about money. I wasn’t facing the future, I was napping and playing Sims. And being absolutely incredulous that at 35 I hadn’t learned all of the lessons that life taught me. All while making my Sim jog every morning at 5 and write and paint on the weekends. I am not kidding. Do you ever feel like everybody else is moving ahead and you are stuck in the mud? I have felt like that a lot lately. I know all of this is so boring. I KNOW! I know that everybody else can see the answers for me and I can’t. I know the answers... I just can’t always give them.

And then I found a fairly ingenious way to solve my money problem (all legal, I promise). And having that one perceived burden lifted and I feel like I can face things again. And then some really kind women posted something on my FB wall asking where I was. So I am back. One day at a time and all that. I can’t be perfect, but I can do better. Here is the evidence that I am back.

1. I am actually blogging. Here’s hoping that I remember how to upload to the website. And I will do a dispatch every day... I should have at least one thing to say.
2. I am counting calories.
3. Two trips to the gym in the last 48 hours.
4. I am forcing myself to take a week off from Sims.
5. I have started making notes on my Philosophy of Science presentation that I am giving at the Beagle next month.
6. I got out in the world on Thursday night and Saturday.

That’s all I have right now... I will keep you posted.